I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
