If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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