That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
