I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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