the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.