Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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