i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
