for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
