JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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