the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
