WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
