So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's blow job season.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
