I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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