How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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