You smell like a Billy Joel song
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
