apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
