I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
birth control should be required to get into college
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
