I'm gonna have a badass scar
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
