3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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