Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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