somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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