i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
