Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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