Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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