his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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