my shit smells like andre
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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