I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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