I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
