dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
