you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
