I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
