I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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