I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
