Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
