Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
A+ Viking dick
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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