hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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