This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
