Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
