Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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