Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
