Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
