You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
even my farts smell like vagina
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
and you fell through a lawn chair
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
