it wasn't lemon gatorade
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
