so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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