Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I need moral support for this bender
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
