Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I have fence marks all over my body
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
