i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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