I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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