Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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