Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
