Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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