chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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