Taylor Swift is so right about you.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
It's Friday. Sex?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
