It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if i died would you start the facebook group?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
