Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
