If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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