The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I love having hate sex.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
