if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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